Needs or Wants?

I am soon going to need a new car. The one in this pic­ture would be just about per­fect. Care to donate to my replace­ment fund? Yeah, didn’t really expect so.

So why is it that you’re not will­ing to help me get the trans­porta­tion I need? Because you can see that what I’m ask­ing for is really a want. It may very well be that my car needs to be replaced soon, and hav­ing reli­able trans­porta­tion is in fact impor­tant to me, but there’s no real rea­son I need to spend almost $67,000 to get it.

The dis­tinc­tion between wants and needs is not always so clear, espe­cially when it comes to edu­cat­ing our chil­dren. In the years I have been a teacher and a par­ent, one of the most fre­quent sources of con­flict between par­ent and school has been dis­agree­ment about whether some­thing is a need or sim­ply a want.

When these con­flicts arise, it’s help­ful to step back and refo­cus on goals. While we would all love to have a Lexus edu­ca­tion for our chil­dren, some­times the Chevro­let is suf­fi­cient to accom­plish the job.

A few thoughts to con­sider when you find your­self on either side of a dif­fi­cult dis­cus­sion about what a child needs in school:

• Remem­ber that this is about the stu­dent. Focus on the goal you have agreed on. If there is no defined goal, then back up another step and talk about that goal before try­ing to plan for it.
• Remem­ber that every­one involved in the dis­cus­sion is fight­ing for the same thing, ulti­mately: the wel­fare of the child. Rather than being oppos­ing forces in a bat­tle, think of every­one at the table as being mem­bers of the same team with dif­fer­ent spe­cial­ties. Being on the same team means that we all win or lose together.
• List all of the options being con­sid­ered, as well as any options that were rejected. Con­sider each in light of the goal, and from the student’s per­spec­tive. Often by putting things down in writ­ing, we gain clar­ity about the dif­fer­ence between wants and needs.
• Be hon­est about the strengths and weak­nesses of each option. No plan is perfect.
• Avoid com­pro­mise. Although it is some­times a nec­es­sary last resort, com­pro­mise often patches together bits of incom­pat­i­ble plans and cre­ates some­thing that is unwork­able. Instead, aim for consensus.
• Some­times there is no best option—just a col­lec­tion of good ones.
• Con­sider ask­ing the stu­dent for his or her input. Even young chil­dren can often express what they need in a way that helps cut through a disagreement.
• Don’t ignore the emo­tional responses of the par­ties involved. If a par­ent, class­room teacher, or stu­dent is strongly opposed to a plan, no mat­ter how excel­lent it may be, it is not going to be imple­mented as designed, and it will likely fail.
• Every­one should walk out of a meet­ing feel­ing like they were heard and under­stood, and that the agreed plan is sat­is­fac­tory, at least on a trial basis. Per­sua­sion is fine, but if any­one involved feels like they were bad­gered into agree­ment or backed into a cor­ner, no amount of effort on the part of the other par­ties will make it fully successful.

What other ways do you focus a con­ver­sa­tion about how to meet the needs of a student?